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The day begins with you heaving your body into an upright position, completely out of breath from the effort and bleary eyed after spending half the night getting up to pee. Your feet hit the floor like a couple of bricks stuffed inside bags of water. You think you hear a sloshing sound as you stand up (thanks, water retention!).

 

You waddle to the bathroom to pee, just like you did 37 times in the night. Once you’ve sufficiently wiggled around on the toilet to ensure your bladder is actually empty, you once again heave yourself up and shuffle your way down for that one cup of coffee you allow yourself.

Wait. Never mind.

It’s one of those days that morning sickness has decided to visit again. Speed shuffle back to the bathroom. Collapse on the floor. Throw up. Wipe your mouth. Miraculously pick yourself up the floor. Wash your face. Brush your teeth. Another wave of nausea but you’re experienced enough to know which ones you have to take seriously.

Now, where were you?

Pregnancy. You hoped and wished and prayed for it. You can not wait to be a parent but holy guacamole! Why doesn’t any body tell you how miserable pregnancy is? I know, I know. Apparently there are these unicorn-like people who just breeze right through the whole thing without breaking a sweat or peeing their pants. But honestly, those people can go…

Good for them. Honestly. I’m truly happy for those bitches.

Back to you. And me. Now that you’ve remembered where you were going, the divine scent of freshly brewed coffee is wafting through the air. You’re grateful to be back to your old self and no longer retching at the smell of your favorite morning beverage.

Until your mother in law walks in. Oh yeah? You forgot she was there?

Her: “Should you be drinking that, dear?”

You: “Should you be out of your coffin at this hour?”

You out loud: “My doctor said a cup a day is totally safe for the baby. How did you sleep?”


Isn’t it wonderful? You not only have to feel terrible physically, but everyone seems to want you to feel terrible mentally, too. All the while asking, “How are you feeling?”.

And you’d tell them how you felt. You’d really let them have it about peeing all night and tossing and turning (except you only wish you had been tossing and turning, you can’t even roll over at this point, who are you kidding?) and barfing up all your favorite foods and heartburn that makes you want to rip out your own esophagus and gas and constipation and acne worse than that kid they called Pizza Face in high school. You’d tell them all about it. But then they’d just say “Do try to enjoy it! It’ll be over before you know it and then you’ll miss it.”

You’ll miss it like you’d miss a fork stabbing you in the thigh. Repeatedly.

Pregnancy is not always fun. I mean let’s face it, you love your baby and you’re excited to meet them but currently, it’s hard to see past the fact that you have a 7-pound parasite sucking the life out of you and everyone wants you to smile about it. You can’t do anything without it either hurting, making you sick, or feeling like you’re going to need a nap right then and there. It’s a miracle there aren’t pregnant women napping in the ice cream aisle of the grocery store on a regular basis. When I was pregnant, I needed to take a nap because I was so tired from taking a nap.

So, what’s a suffering pregnant person to do?

Find some like minded individuals. There are mom’s groups galore on Facebook these days. I recommend you check out Pregnant in Calgary. Be open and honest and find a buddy who understands your suffering and won’t invalidate your experience.

Avoid those well meaning “Try to enjoy it.” People. You don’t need their positivity. Or better yet, tell them to stuff it. It’s your pregnancy and you’ll cry if you want to.

Read something funny about the realities of pregnancy. Jenny McCarthy’s Belly Laughs is a favorite (you don’t have to agree with her opinion about vaccines to enjoy the book). You’ll be peeing your pants laughing. For real. Maybe wear a panty liner.

Thank goodness it will all be over soon. And when you’re finally holding your little one in your arms it’ll feel like it was all worth it.

You might even be tempted to try it again some day.

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