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Here you are lying awake in the middle of the night. If you’re like me, you thought the sleepless nights started after the baby was born. Nobody warns you that you might start regularly waking through the night in the second trimester.

Yay! Morning sickness is over! Let’s move on to waking every three hours and not being able to go back to sleep because this precious little baby won’t stop tucking his feet under your ribs and wiggling his toes!
So here you are browsing the internet, half trying to find something worth reading and half dreaming of the day you’ll get a solid eight hours again. Since this nocturnal routine is not likely to end anytime soon, I want to share one of my favorite things to do when I can’t sleep.

I read children’s books.

Not the ones I read to my kids! These children’s books are for grown-ups! Some are even disguised as children’s books, but I promise these books are either a lot more fun for you or will be completely inappropriate for any child with a vocabulary beyond mama.

A little crude, a little crass, often morbid and dark.

Welcome to the world of the adult picture book! By now we’ve all heard about Go The F__k to Sleep. The book for parent’s that just can’t shut off the light and walk away (me). You may have even heard of the authors follow up, You Have to F__king Eat! The book for parents who don’t have the “you eat what I cook” rule. The following are a few you may not have heard of!

Insomnia so bad you are looking for something to do? Why not start planning for packing your hospital bag?

 

 

Uncle Shelby'S ABz Book

The alphabet book that is only for people who hopefully are already well versed in the order and use of the symbols we use to represent our language. Uncle Shelby’s ABz Book is not what you’d expect from the author of The Giving Tree.Includes instructions for making your very own voodoo dolly and suggestive ideas to keep you into mischief indefinitely.

 

 

 

 

“B is for Baby

See the baby

The baby is fat

The baby is pink

The baby can cry

The baby can laugh

See the baby play

Play, baby, play.

Pretty, pretty, baby.

Mommy loves the baby

More than she loves you.”

 

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2. Ma! There’s Nothing To Do Here! 
by Barbara Park

From the author of the Junie B. Jones series comes the story that asks “What’s a baby to do in a womb with no view?”. Perhaps it’s time to see things from your baby’s perspective. You might be up all night but are you crammed into a tiny dark space with your knees in your face?
I didn’t think so. Selfish.

 

 

 

Where Willy Went

3. Where Willy Went
by Nicholas Allan

The tale of Willy the sperm and his journey to greatness. From super swimmer to a little girl that loves to swim, you’ll enjoy this charming story of life’s original adventure!
The Big Story of a Little Sperm!

 

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4. Do You Want To Play With My Balls?  by Cifaldi Brothers

I first saw this book in my Facebook Newsfeed being read aloud in a YouTube video! Sure, it’s an actual children’s book, for adults! You can technically read it to your kids… if you can keep yourcomposure.

 

 

The Gashlycrumb Tinies

5.  The Gashlycrumb Tinies
by Edward Gorey

26 children, each representing a letter of the alphabet and the ends to their short lives written about in rhyming couplets and illustrated with ink drawings. Although it sounds horrifying, the mundane ways the children die pokes fun at our fears as parents and somehow does not leave the reader heavy.

 

I hope when you awake again in the next few hours you fix yourself a tasty snack and click over to Chapters or Amazon and pick up one of these great books! Go ahead and spoil your baby, er… yourself!
From the Archives: What if my water breaks?
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