We are so pleased to have Sara Blue Star write this deeply touching guest post for us. Thank you, Sara. Sara Blue Star, is a doula and blogger extraordinaire. She is the owner of Blue Star Bellies Doula Services in San Antonio, Texas
We suffer from infertility, and when I say suffer I mean it. When I saw pregnant women or talked to pregnant friends, I suffered immensely.
I CRIED EACH MOTHER’S DAY AND FELT UTTERLY ALONE. I FELT I HAD NOBODY TO TALK TO ABOUT THE PAINFUL WAITING GAME THAT WAS MY MENSTRUAL CYCLE.
When we decided we were ready to have a baby I stopped taking birth control and thought it would be a quick trip to parenthood. After being unable to naturally conceive my husband was diagnosed with extremely low sperm count and poor motility, meaning he makes less than 10% of the average amount of sperm per ejaculate and those sperm are very bad swimmers. We learned that half of infertility problems fall on the men and half on the women, which makes sense as it takes two perfectly working cells to create a baby. There was still a chance to conceive, but it was less than 1%, so we started fertility treatments. We had four failed IUIs (Intrauterine Insemination) that very nearly broke my heart. The negative pregnancy results felt like a failure and a waste of precious time. I was devastated each month when my cycle started again.
I withdrew from friendships because my emotional wounds were too close to the surface, and infertility completely
We went through a charitable IVF (In Vitro Fertilization is a process by which an egg is fertilized by sperm outside the body and then placed inside the prepared womb) Program application process, which was exactly like adoption processes except you are granted one IVF procedure. The board reviewed our case and approved us! We were excited! It seemed we had an answer and an end in sight! Our appointment was scheduled for April. That brings us back to that cold January morning when the second line finally appeared on the pregnancy test… naturally! We were in complete shock. Thrilled beyond belief, 42 weeks later we held our beautiful, unexpected, healthy baby boy in our arms.
PREGNANCY WAS EVERYTHING I HAD HOPED IT WOULD BE, PAINS AND ALL. TO ME, IT WAS A GIFT I WASN’T SURE I WOULD EVER GET TO EXPERIENCE. I TOOK IT AS IT WAS AND SAVORED EVERY SECOND OF IT.
Our son is almost two, and we have been trying to conceive again for a year. Secondary infertility is the inability to conceive after the birth of a child. Our diagnosis has not changed, and we are planning to do IVF this coming January. The pain of infertility has changed but not diminished. I have a child to hold, but there is still space in my heart and in our son’s life that will only be filled with one more miracle. We hold out hope and speak out as a support for all the women out there who feel like their cries go unheard, who feel an empty womb, who feel the loss of what could have been each month. Hold on to hope and know you are not alone.
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